How I have loved stepping back in time. Discovering the music I had forgotten about for so long. For YEARS. Music has sustained me through this time. It has brought up so much: memories, tears, laughter- all of it. Dancing. Singing. I’m glad that I live in the country and can play my music as loud as I want too and believe me, it’s as loud as I can get it. I need to hear it and sing it and dance with it. My “neighbors” are probably wondering when I turned into a singer??? 🙂 But wait… I only recently realized my Bluetooth speaker has a microphone connection…and guess who has a microphone… YES! I! DO!! So…there’s that.
When Joe and I started dating in 1991 Rod Stewart had just released his song Broken Arrow. We had a mutual love for Rod Stewart and this became “our song”. Through the years we had forgotten about it- hadn’t listened to it in YEARS (we had found so many others that spoke to us, too.) Over the last few weeks, I’ve been telling our kids the story of “US”. The parts they didn’t know, but that I wanted them to know, and I remembered this song. I looked it up the other night and fell asleep listening to it on repeat. However, it wasn’t until the next morning when I had listened to it 1,750 times (probably) that it took on a whole new meaning for me. The words all came together as if it was telling me a story: EVERY SINGLE WORD CHANGED IN AN INSTANT. I now see it as a future being revealed to me- even from way back then.
Broken arrow (a BROKEN arrow)
water (so much symbolism with water and where we spent as much time as we could)
I will meet you by the witness tree (do you know where he died?)
leave the whole world behind (well…there’s that)
arms of steel (did you ever get a hug from this man?)
bottle of rain (tears)
mountains to climb (oh yes…plenty of those)
there he goes… (there he goes.)
turning my whole world around (yeah..there’s that, too)
they can’t hold me with these iron walls (no…even iron walls could not have kept him here)
It felt as though a veil was lifted from my eyes. I’m sure I am looking for meaning in the ordinary, but to me…this is just another GIFT; more magic. Another sign from God that my life is going according to plan- HIS plan, and that it will all be okay. I have loved sharing all of the stories with our kids and I know they’ve loved hearing them. It’s why they’re here so often. “Tell us more”, and I have plenty to tell. Our story was a true love story from beginning to end. And in love there must always be a letting go; a heartbreak. Someone has to be the first to go, and whoever is left behind must carry on. Time does NOT standstill. I know that I must move on. It’s okay to move on. It’s expected to move on. And that’s what this song is for me now. It’s my permission” from Joe, if you will, to keep going. To live my life with joy and laughter. Joe wanted me to do that.
This past week has been the most revealing to me. I have seen and heard things that I know can only be from God. Something has shifted. I have been forward-thinking and future dreaming and staying fully present. Something inside of me has woken up! I am letting my Intuition guide my every move. I have been and will continue to have hard conversations. My new word is BOLD. I am taking many pages from Joe’s book. He taught me so much! The biggest lesson so far is that other people’s opinion of me is none of my business.
I remember a time when I was still working as a supervisor at my corporate job and I was having some trouble with a few team members and the fact that I was their “boss”. Joe coached me through all of it. I remember one night in particular when I came home. I was so upset and went over a situation with him in great detail. He patiently listened as he always did, and then he said to me… “Marie, do you think a general asks his soldiers for advice or seeks their council in any way? Do you think he cares if they agree with his decisions? Do you think he cares if everyone likes him?” And it changed everything. I realized he was right. I wanted so badly to be “liked” that I was losing sight of the bigger picture- MY JOB. I went to work the next day and told my little “birdie” that had been sharing insights with me, that I was no longer interested in what anyone had to say or thought about me. PERIOD. Once I got my priorities straight, it was all good. And it just didn’t matter what anyone else thought, except my boss, (obviously.) I was the one leading my team, and that’s what I did. It was an instant change in the environment.
This situation is no different. I’m in charge of my life. I get to decide. I get to choose what it will look like. Who I will spend time with and who I won’t. One of my greatest lessons from this man was, “if someone isn’t good for you, then let them go. It’s okay to do that.” Joe didn’t say it in quite those words- he had a lot of color to his language, 😉 but the meaning is the same.
So now I’m in a new phase of grief. Moving on without guilt. But not “just” without guilt. With JOY. With LOVE. With LAUGHTER. With DANCING. With SINGING (and yes, I’m sorry neighbors…you might get a rude awakening when I hook that microphone up. When you see me standing on the deck performing for my audience of one (Grinch) just know that in my head there are multitudes cheering me on.) 😉
I’m not saying that the moving on will be without tears, I don’t think that’s very reasonable, but…I’m smiling again.
I LOVE the “90’s” artistry in this video. And the tree… well…