92 Days

Three months today, 13 weeks yesterday. Time does NOT standstill. Not even for a second. But I am making progress. I’ve been dreaming and believing in a new way; I’m excited about some things. I’m making plans. I’m moving forward. I just got to spend two weeks with Travis and Amanda out west. It was good for my soul, and I hope theirs too. I feel re-energized, and there has no doubt been a shift in my attitude. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone, and it feels good. It’s an empowering feeling; to be nervous, and to do it anyway. But that’s the only way I know to grow.

I know I’m doing the right things and making good decisions-I know this because I’m following my Intuition. I’m pausing. I’m breathing. I’m taking the time. As long as I keep doing that, I will be on the path that God has intended for me. In the flow of my life. I know that. If I make a wrong choice, then I’ll hopefully make a better one next time. What is life without vulnerability and risk? As long as the reward is worth it, and it feels expansive, then it’s a yes. And if it’s not an absolute yes, then it’s a no. Someone told me the other day I had grit. I’m hoping that’s true. Regardless, I do have faith that I will be given all the courage I need.

My new word is BOLD. I’m asking for the things I want, having hard conversations, and paying attention. It takes being bold to stay present, to stay checked in, and to do or say whatever it is with love and compassion. No more waiting because of fear; fear of rejection, failure, or loss. I’m stepping into my best-self to prove only to MYSELF that I CAN DO IT. I’m in a whole new world, one I never saw myself in. Never. Joe (or so it seems ? ) has pushed me into a place of vulnerability, and I’m looking forward to seeing where I land.

Moments of deep sadness are still very much a part of my day, but so are moments of great joy. I’m trying to stay more in the present, and less in the past. I know I will cry for who knows, maybe forever. I don’t know how this all works, this grieving process. No one knows because it is the unknown [to you], until it isn’t, that is. I keep trying to hear what Joe would be saying to me. I listened to him for years, telling me to “just LIVE Marie. Stop worrying about what other people think- who cares!” Isn’t that the craziest thing, knowing how he died? Knowing that he didn’t want anyone to know he was suffering. I learned so much from him. So. Much.

Many things have happened in the last three months, things that would have never happened if Joe were still here. That is a hard truth. Our house has been empty- lacking children, lacking laughter, lacking family, lacking friends, lacking the companionship of other people for far too long. But that’s what depression is. Joe was not in the right mindset; he wasn’t able to receive the love and friendship that was being offered to him- the love and friendship he so desperately needed. And I didn’t recognize it. Sometimes we do just go along to get along. My advice for you, is to watch that carefully. Pay close attention to time-lines and words.

It’s easy to recognize, now, that withholding love of any kind (secluding yourself, withdrawing, not participating, getting silent-all signs of depression) in any way will never bring anyone closer or solve a problem. It will never stop the pain. It will never make things better. If you’re feeling depressed, lonely, suicidal, anxious- any of these feelings-please reach out to someone.

“I always tell everybody, Never cheer up a depressed person. If I tell you that my finger hurts, and that person tells me that, “I just saw someone who is a paraplegic,” in other words, they minimize my feelings. What you want to do is go from the understanding to the heart, and you cannot go wrong when you say two words, Sounds like, and then throw in a feeling word, and it doesn’t matter what it is, it can be out in left field, they’ll correct you. 

Holocaust survivor, Edith Eger: (her book: The Gift)

And please don’t get silent- get inside. Find the courage to say something. Exercising your right to use the silent treatment will not do anything but hurt YOU, and others. What good does that do? Talk. (With love and compassion.) Peel the band-aid quickly. Reverse engineer your emotions. Find the root, the source, and get busy living.

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. -Wayne Dyer.

I’m no longer holding onto bitter feelings. I’m looking for everything to be grateful for, and practicing forgiveness on a deep level. I’m looking at it from the correct perspective…for me. Everything has a season. Families. Friends. Material possessions. Relationships. Life. And sometimes letting go is the right thing to do, it’s what we have to do. That’s the hardest part so far. Knowing that I have to let go.

“Sometimes late at night I can’t believe the things I hear An angel comes to me And whispers in my ears Saying there’s a time to reap And a time to sow A time for holding on And a time Just for Letting go.”

I’m still singing, still dancing, still laughing, still finding joy- in every place I can.

xo, and peace.

Marie