..is the way you do everything.
Joe & I were traveling home from a show recently, and in my usual fashion, I had my phone, my iPad, my magazine(s) and my headphones all ready, on standby, as I always do. I bring all of that with me, and more, (just incase). I am usually surfing the Internet, FB, Pinterest, reading a book, listening to a book, or perusing email when we travel. It can be so difficult for me to be still (for hours) in the truck, as a passenger. And when I say, “be still” I am referring to my mind, not my butt (though that can get tough too.)
A few things I’ve realized about myself…truths: 1. I like having things to occupy my mind, stuff it full! And 2. I don’t have much “white” space, (meaning I fill it up…whatever IT is). But this particular night I wanted to think. I was looking for an answer…I wanted silence. So I turned off my phone, closed my iPad, took off my headphones and laid the seat back. Joe was listening to his book with one ear bud in, so I was good to go. I was onto something…
What I found was pretty amazing… at first the silence was really nice. Peaceful. Relaxing. Joyful. Yes, I was enjoying the space, the thoughts…it wasn’t so bad, being still. But after only a few minutes (or so it seemed) it became almost painful. The instinct to grab my phone and get on FB or Pinterest was so natural that it aggravated me. I felt like a junkie! Then I became irritated with myself for even trying this little experiment in the first place. It was stupid. I didn’t want to be still. I wanted to read. I wanted to get on Pinterest. I wanted to find the answer I was seeking OUTSIDE OF MYSELF. But really, it was only the distraction I was looking for in those places, not the answer. Why? Why couldn’t I… Just. Be. Still?! And trust that I would, that I could, figure this out, without distraction and by going inside of myself. (As you can imagine, meditaion does not come easily for me.)
And then I had an AHA moment… I always silence the voice that I hear (not the monkey mind, but the voice), my inner being, that part of “me” that has the answers, my intuition…with distractions. I don’t allow myself to feel what I feel. I KNEW (instinctively) that I had the answer, but why didn’t I “trust” that I did. I didn’t need an outside source or influence. I didn’t need distraction. I only needed to be with the feeling. The thought. I needed to trust myself that it would be OK. It was on the inside (it always is) not the outside. I wanted to tap into my intuition, which was the whole reason for the exercise in the first place. Silent prayer.
And when I did get silent (again) and the negative chatter was quiet, I was reminded of a quote that I had read (I’m not sure who’s) that says:
“The way you do anything, is the way you do everything.”
And I realized it was true! I saw it clear as day, in FULL color! In my eating habits, my inability to make a tough decision, procrastination, the way I will stuff clothes in my drawer, the constant need to get the opinions of others, the never ending feeling of not being enough, and on and on. Everything.
I. Always. Check. Out.
So I made a conscious decision right then, at that moment, to just stop it, and to paying attention to everything. When I find my mind wandering when I should pay attention, when I grab my phone to get on the Internet, (for no reason), when I procrastinate by not being decisive, when I’m standing over the trash can eating- OK, not literally, (well…maybe I have). WHY am I standing over the trash can eating? Because I am not allowing myself to be present. Fully present. In THE moment. I’m just numbing out, not giving myself the satisfaction of enjoying the pleasure of the eating experience and the taste of the food (which btw we put waaaay too much focus on. Honestly, we don’t need that much food to live…we just don’t!)
So I changed my story. My truth. I actually like being present. It’s pretty cool. I’m really stoked about it. I notice a lot more about my surroundings. I like being silent. I like having limited interruptions, not being tethered to my phone, my iPad…my headphones. When you get silent and are fully present things begin to get clear. And clarity is blissful! I “found” my answer (and it wasn’t on FB!)