Today’s a great day! I’m looking forward to the work I’m doing, and yes, I’m dreaming big! I still have unanswered questions that I have to accept will always be unanswered. There’s no other choice unless I want to stay stuck—and stuck isn’t a place I long to be.
I’ve said it before, and maybe someday I’ll stop saying it, but… I wish I would’ve reached out to friends and family more than I did for help. I’m sorry I didn’t. I’m sorry for me and for those of you that feel your words would’ve changed the outcome, but Joe was adamant he was getting better.
I was completely disillusioned. And I KNOW that Joe was too. He wanted to be better. He wanted to believe that he was “getting” better.
I can’t keep “what if(ing) the past.” I mean, I can, but to what end? The last two weeks of his life were a vortex of anxiety. He just spiraled so quickly. This was not “Joe” that did this.
We are all living our journeys. We cannot control the outcome of others- no matter how much we may want to. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Whatever Joe came to this earth to do, was complete.
They say something good always comes from something bad.
New doors opening.
Imagining my life being any more amazing than it already was is difficult, but what if it was just a rehearsal for my best life that’s yet to come?
And that is how I’m choosing to look at all that is. I will not let circumstances derail my dreams. I still get to choose.
Since Joe died (my favorite subject to capture with my lens), I’ve turned the camera on myself. What used to be called “self-portraits” are now called selfies. What you choose to call them doesn’t matter, but I’m calling them an excavation. When you have no one to spend time with but yourself… you better get to know HER.
I’m looking into my own eyes, asking myself tough questions. I’m offering up a TON of love and kindness. Forgiveness and compassion; and seeing myself differently.
I am different.
The old Marie died with Joe—how could she not? I’ve made new, lasting friendships, I’ve rekindled old ones, I’ve traveled alone over thousands of miles, I’ve shed unnecessary pounds that were weighing me down. In fact, my whole life seems to have been stifled by thoughts of weight. And now I have no more excuses. The literal “weight” is gone.
The irony is that yes, I have spent my whole life “worrying” about weight, but since Joe’s death, I haven’t thought about it or had much of an appetite for “food.”
I’ve realized through this whole messy process that it was never food that I wanted. What was I craving?
In short–people. I am an extrovert; it’s the way I was born. I feel great energy in my body when I have people to go deep in conversation with, someone to talk to and connect with, and I now know that’s what “the filling up” was always about. (I am forever grateful that I was not denied any of those things because of the current “circumstances of the world.”)
This excavation of the “Self” has been a revelation. There have been times when the sadness has consumed me– when I didn’t want to get off the floor, and other times it’s been deeply rewarding. I’m OK with both. I know that feeling sad is a part of life. I’ve lost my husband, best friend, and business partner. It’s gonna take a lifetime to “get over” that. And still, I move forward.
Knowing that this man loved me from deep within–will have to be enough. It is enough. And I loved him right back, just the same. Now I’m choosing to turn inward and love myself with the same zeal and passion. Of course, I wish this lesson could’ve been taught differently, that it wouldn’t have had to end in the way that it did…but it did. And there are no do-overs, just do-betters.
Most of the pictures I’ve taken have only been shared with a few friends. But those few friends were inspired enough to do the same– to turn their cameras around and look into their own eyes, their soul. I hope that you’re inclined to try it out for yourself. You don’t have to share them with anyone. They’re for YOU.
p.s. If what I’m writing resonates with you, let me know. Leaving a comment here on the blog is the best way to connect. I want to keep writing (I still have so much to say), to keep sharing, to continue healing. This is helping me. I hope that it’s also helping you.
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I just want the pain to stop… (video)