So many clues lie here, between the pages, where I write. I never imagined I’d be sharing my journals with the world; my deeply personal thoughts meant only for me to bear witness. Sharing in this way feels vulnerable, but I’ve heard from so many people that what I’m writing helps them, so it’s worth it. And I’m going to continue writing… until I don’t.
Maybe you’ll see some of your own story here and can find a way to reach out to someone if you need to talk. My perspective was very different than Joe’s and put together in this way- it looks all tidy- like things should’ve been more apparent for me. But I’ve only pulled out bits and of information, the ones that might help. There was so much more going on… we were still running a business and getting through the days with the daily tasks and chores that needed to be done. We were still living “life.”
April 8, 2019
Joe made me promise him that if he ever started to make me feel smothered, I would tell him. I promised I would. (I never did that.)
April 9, 2019
So much is going on in my head these days. I don’t remember a time when I’ve ever felt so secluded, so alone, and withdrawn. “This” is a brand new experience for me, and I’m more confused than ever about my path; my life. I’m struggling. Every. Single. Day.
Joe is going through a dark night, and I’m along for the journey. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I should bring it up or ask him how he’s feeling. I want to be there for him. I want to be his rock- just like he is mine. I want to be his loving wife walking through the darkness with him. I can’t tell if we’re getting closer to light. I’m silenced; I cannot talk about “it” with anyone. I’m not allowed. It’s not my secret. Not my story to tell.
I feel his pain with him, but I cannot “fix” it. I cannot do anything with or about his pain except be here for him. Do I just sit and wait until it’s over to begin to live again? Do I do the things that will bring me joy when it will cause Joe to feel sadness? How do I best serve both of us? How do I be a loving wife devoted to my beloved and his healing while fulfilling my own soul’s purpose? Is it possible? Is this the year- 2019 that will propel us forward? Into the light? Or is this the year we remain hidden? Silent? Secretly, healing? What purpose do I have here? What is my role? Do I follow my heart and move forward with plans- or is that too harsh? Pushy? Insensitive? He needs to feel secure, confident in our marriage. He needs to feel me present at all times. I cannot be the only person he has- what if something happens to me? I have changed.
Staying sequestered, away from the kids, the grandkids…family. He doesn’t realize how much he is taking away from them. He thinks he has nothing to offer. He believes he is “done” teaching his kids. After what I went through with dad, I realize how important it is to have family and friends surrounding you. He “thinks” that people are his problem, but I understand that the issues we have with others are almost always something- a problem- we have within ourselves. Putting a bandaid on it won’t work.
April 11, 2019
Erin is having a jewelry party- that I’m not interested in- but I am interested in being social- getting out of this house! I must have some conversation. I need conversation. I feel like I’m getting smaller. I used to live life so big, but not anymore. What happened to me? I’m ready to get myself back.
April 12, 2019
Marie, you must start taking care of yourself the way you take care of others. You’re always pouring your love out to everyone- include yourself! Take Joe on this journey with you. Be there for him.
April 13, 2019
I am so blessed. I have the most wonderful husband on the planet. I have a healthy family. I have love overflowing out of my heart. I thank God for my life, and I put it all in His hands. The Divine guides me.
April 14, 2019
I watched the documentary Leaving Neverland. I want Joe to watch it with me. Three BIG takeaways- “You are only as sick as your secrets.” “How free do you want to be?” “Forgiveness is a road you travel, not a line you cross.” BIG-BIG!! I will share this with Joe. Be with me, God, give me the words.
April 15, 2019
Life is beautiful. Life is to be enjoyed. Life is a gift. A precious gift.
April 16, 2019
Joe has not had a beer in three weeks. Today marks the third full week. It has been wonderful. I love him so, so much.
April 17, 2019
I had a hard conversation with Erin this week about the kids and overnights. It’s not worth the risk. I am trying to maneuver this terrain from a place of awareness and not fear. The danger is real. 1/6 boys and 1/4 girls are sexually abused. I want all of our kids to understand the dangers that are in the world, acknowledge, and make informed decisions. To live by faith. To use critical thinking skills. To be the best decision-makers. The world is an amazing place with beautiful people, and still… we must be wise. They are our most precious gifts.
April 18, 2019
Joe and I continue to grow closer every day. How is that possible? How can we get any closer? And still, we do.
April 19, 2019
I feel so blessed. Joe is my best friend. He knows my heart. He knows everything. I get to spend every day with him. I get to go to sleep with him, I get to work with him, and I get to wake up with him. We have begun to spend so much time together- apart from the rest of the world. But I feel so disengaged. How can I change this? How can I find peace in my heart, my head? Please show me the way. I am listening. I hear you.
April 20, 2019
Joe always supports me. No matter what crazy-ass thing I tell him I’m going to do, he supports me. That’s what love is, though.
April 21, 2019
I want to feel alive again. Why is it these last few years have been so difficult? What am I missing? What lesson do I need to learn? Why am I suddenly okay with staying small? Where are my friends? Why have I let everyone go so easily? What if Joe and I ever have to spend time away from each other? How will I make it through? I feel so distant from all of our kids right now. Am I living my life in fear? I feel broken, beat down, defeated. Like I’ve lost the game.
April 22, 2019
Joe has become so quiet in the mornings. Not like himself at all.
April 23, 2019
We went for a walk yesterday. I practically had to drag Joe along, but he did go, so that’s progress. Next time I won’t force him. He did apologize later in the day.
May 2, 2019
OMG! I’m so excited! We’re going to Carol and Phil’s for the GoT finale. It’s going to be so good!
May 8, 2019
I want to go camping so bad. It’s been 14 months since we last went. How is that possible? We have never gone that long without camping. Joe is still not drinking, so camping isn’t something he’s interested in right now. He says he can’t camp and not drink beer; the two go hand-in-hand. We go to Carol and Phil’s Sunday! Joe is still not himself. He is forever changed; I know this is true. I heard Brene’ Brown say the other day that you only share your story with those who have earned a right to hear it and can bear the weight of it. Could I not bear the weight of it? I don’t know; maybe I couldn’t. It hit me hard. Slammed me into a wall going 100 mph. I asked him the other day if he would be willing to talk to a counselor, and he said maybe. I know he wants to feel better. I was encouraged that he said maybe. To me, that is a “YES.” I don’t know who to call. I’ll have to do some research. It’s too big for us to figure out on our own. We need help. We don’t know how to proceed with this. I do remember on the Finding Neverland documentary that they had a phone number at the end. I think I’ll start there. I want this out of his mind and to begin the healing. I know it will never be “out of his mind,” but the guilt, the pain, the shame. He did nothing wrong! I want him to be able to deal with what happened and move forward with his life. Secrets are terrible; they will eat you alive. I want healing for him.
May 13, 2019
We didn’t go to Carol and Phil’s. Joe said he couldn’t do it. “He can’t carry on a conversation; he has nothing to contribute.” He was in total anxiety, just thinking about it. That was hard. Carol was mad. I don’t blame her. She planned a great party and to cancel on the morning of- I felt terrible. She finally answered the phone. After I explained that Joe was in a really bad way, she understood. I was looking so forward to it. Joe felt terrible too. He told me to call Kenny and Christie. He wanted them to know. And he told them. He did that for me. Will this start the healing? How will I ever get him to see that he matters? How long can this go on?
July 27, 2019
Lake Wampler- from the boat. WOW! We finally woke up at camp! It’s absolutely mind-blowing to me that we haven’t camped since Colorado last year! No camping in Florida because of the hurricane. Long before we knew there’d be a hurricane, months before we knew- we decided not to camp this year. Was that intuitive? I think so. We are always guided by the choices we make. The final decisions, the whole thought process, can be exhausting if we don’t make our decisions intuitively. Our Intuition- the God part of us- being guided by the Divine. Think about that, Marie. You have the full capability to find your calling, your purpose by just getting silent and asking the right questions. You will always be led by God if you listen closely. Say the prayer, and appreciate the response by hearing it.
Are you listening?
This is not where our story ended. I don’t even know how to end this post except to say, I hope that someone will learn from my mistakes.
xo, and peace.