Joe’s birthday has passed. August is his birthday month, and although he was never big on acknowledging that day, it was hard. For all of us. So many things have been hard over the last eight weeks, which, of course, is expected. You don’t just lose the love of your life, or your dad and expect it to be easy. I don’t ever want it to be easy. I am acknowledging this pain and feeling every part of it.
My heart is broken. I have indeed lost the love of my life, and I’m pissed off about it. Sad, hurt, devastated. I want to remember everything there is to remember about him:
- his smell
- his kiss
- his smile
- his bear hugs
- the way he made me laugh
- the way he lived- not the way he died
But that too. I want to remember that, too, because how else do we learn?
Not one day has gotten easier. I think the whole “time thing” is probably a load of crap. I can’t imagine this ever being easy to accept. I know life goes on. I know that death is a part of living, oddly enough, and I know that Joe is no longer suffering. That was always important to him; no suffering. It doesn’t make it easier, though. He is no longer suffering, but now we are. Those of us left behind, his family and friends, we’re the ones suffering now. But he couldn’t see that.
My brain has yet to catch up to the fact that Joe is gone. Joe is gone. Eight weeks, as of yesterday.
And even with all of the sadness and pain, there is still gratitude in this brokenness. My heart is full of appreciation. I was given nearly 30 years with this man. Not everyone is granted that amount of time to love and grow in a relationship the way that we were. How blessed we were, and I still am.
I’ve always said we are co-creators of our life, and I still believe that. It’s our responsibility to give to the best of our abilities- not for recognition but for an example to others. To help humanity rise above, get to the next level, and be an active participant in creating. If we all followed our hearts, we would not seek the approval of others. We would stop looking for it. Approval doesn’t matter. It’s okay to appreciate it, it’s good to be a receiver of the love and accolades of others, but it’s not okay to “need” it. God is the only presence that matters. Your Conscience, your Intuition, that’s what counts. LIFE is an inside job—and please…ethics, not rules. If rules are immoral, don’t follow them.
Allowing the circumstances of what’s happened to define my life or grant the past that kind of power over my future would be cheating myself. Besides, I would never give that type of satisfaction to death. I will do something more constructive with my anger. And I’m getting there. It will take time, but I am getting there. Joe’s story has many layers. So much depth and breadth. It’s going to take time to sort it all out, to put into perspective what matters the most. I told you MY TRUTH to prepare you for his, but I’m not there yet. It’s not the time.
I’m still open to magic and exploring every possibility that this lesson is here to teach. I’m listening. I’m leaving room to be amazed and in awe of life because, all in all, it is beautiful. Life is beautiful- you see that, right? I hope you’ll allow yourself to enjoy the experience, the journey, the path, and for the Universe to move you, no matter what circumstance or situation you’ve found yourself in. The only thing we can control is our thoughts. Think good ones. And I’ll do the same.
xo and peace. always peace.
I found this little gem the other day. <3