…but have been afraid to say. This has been the most challenging post to sit down and write. I’ve thought about it for so long that I became frozen, numb, and unable to find my words. I haven’t been able to write, take pictures, or read a book for far too long. I’m spending a lot of time thinking and dreaming.
First of all, for those of you who have reached out to see if I’m okay… THANK YOU!
Most of 2023 has been spent in bed or on the couch, sick. Being nauseous could be one of the worst feelings in the world, IMO. Being unable to eat, drink, or keep anything down will take its toll. I would feel better for a few days and then be sick again. I thought it would pass. I thought it was a new stage of grief. I thought I would be okay. I thought it was an ulcer. I thought a lot but never took action.
My body has decided it needs rest, so rest it will have… I have no choice in this matter. Of course, I do… we always have choices… even when it feels like we don’t. But hiding and being in seclusion are only suitable for a short period.
I spent most of last winter and spring, then into summer, and now fall sick, but I did not want to “bother” or “inconvenience” anyone. In my flawed thinking, my mind was telling me… well, if they don’t come to see you on your own, then you’re not on their radar, and you don’t matter anyway, so who cares? Joe was the one that was supposed to be here taking care of me. So, brick by brick, I began to build my wall. And before you ask… yes. I knew I was sick, but I thought it was a new stage of grief I was experiencing, not cancer.
It wasn’t until my birthday in March that I started to notice I was losing weight, which was happening quickly. Still, I remained silent and even began to hide my weight loss by wearing big, baggy clothes and pulling my hair around my face to hide the cheekbones that were starting to protrude. I was still trying to work. I did tell my family and friends I was sick or not feeling well if they asked, but I never requested help, except for someone bringing me 7up one night, which my mom ended up doing gladly. They knew that I had been having stomach issues, but I thought it would pass.
I’m a stubborn woman, and no one wanted to push me into withdrawing more. I see that now. When I finally landed in the emergency room in July, Kenny and Christie came over to pick up the truck and trailer, graciously offering to do my MI shows. I had been trying to get that inventory done for weeks and struggled daily. Ultimately, I could only get about 1/2 the inventory I would generally have. I was planning to STILL go to MI only the night before- with their help. I planned to take my “puke bucket” and lay down while we drove. WHAT WAS I THINKING????
Thank God, Kenny sat beside me on the couch, pulled me close, and looked into my eyes. His were tearing up; mine had been shedding that healing salt water for weeks. He said to me… “I fell asleep at the wheel once. I will NOT do it again! Please…let’s go to the hospital.” He, of course, was talking about his best friend, Joe. So I agreed. It was late, and I told them I would go first thing in the morning, So I drove myself to Amanda’s house, and she took me to the ER. Christie was miserable in MI and wanted to be at the hospital with me. We only spoke briefly because I didn’t have the strength or energy, but she was devastated to be away from me…and I felt the same. It was the most difficult phone call. Christie was in complete anguish. But I told her I was so grateful that they were earning money for me that I would need, and I needed her in MI. She has hardly left my side since.
All I can say now is God is good. My family and friends have pulled together and are my 24/7 caregivers, never leaving me alone. This has been an adjustment after living alone for over three years, but I am so glad they stepped in and took control. I feel safe knowing they are here. I am doing as they ask and trying so hard to stay grateful and not feel like I have burdened everyone and their lives.
My sweet niece, Kayleigh, said to me… “Aunt Marie, if you feel as though you are a burden to this family, then we, as a family, have failed you.” But that is how I felt! I can say now that I am no longer suffering from loneliness. My living room has been filled many days with visits from friends and loved ones. People are showing up in such a big way, offering their talents and gifts to help me while I’m unable to work- they have taken time off their own jobs in order to help me with mine. HOW BLESSED I AM! I cannot even begin to name names because I will surely miss someone, which would be terrible! They are now limiting my visits because it’s wearing me out, though I love seeing everyone.
Last weekend, through a series of conversations and messages, I had a BIG shift. I received messages, phone calls, and visits reminding me of my own words and the things I have shared with all of you through the last three years. I felt the holy spirit and a complete surrender come over me. All of my anger and rage simply dissipated, and I knew I couldn’t explain. This is what I KNOW…I am going to be healthier and better when this is all over. I don’t need to know the how. I need to stay in my lane and let God guide me.
I don’t know what this all means for the business, so please stay tuned. I cannot open the website right now, but I hope to begin with my Share the Love Sale in the spring because so much love is pouring out of me! I want to make sure you know that I AM GOING TO SURVIVE/THRIVE THROUGH THIS. Please see me living, not dying. My story is not yet complete… I will not die with my music still in me! I KNOW I am healed… Your prayers are always appreciated.
As I said before, I haven’t been able to write, read, or do much of anything except think. So, keeping my spirits high and finding JOY is my plan (even if it’s only looking out my bedroom window and seeing the sunrise.) But I am ready to write now. If you want to follow along, I plan to share my journey on the blog, and I have absolute FAITH that this is a part of my healing journey. I have so many things to say and share. I have been working hard on forgiveness, letting go of what was and embracing what is, but that’s for another day.
Much love to all of you, and I WILL see you later! I have a new grandbaby coming in MAY!!!!
LOVE YOUR MEDICINE. LOVE YOUR DIS-EASE.
And I’m exactly where I’m meant to be right here and right now.
To your healing and mine.
xo, and peace.
I’m still educating myself about grief, suicide, and child sexual abuse. These may seem like dark and depressing topics to most, and I get that, but my question is: if not now, when? You may not think you’re directly affected, but your family or friends are. 1/4 girls, 1/6 boys are sexually abused.