Tears. Smiles. Dancing. Weeping. Loving. Loneliness. Looking back. Looking forward. Remembering. Forgetting. Singing. Screaming. Meditating. Praying. One step forward. One step back. Thank you’s, and I’m sorry’s. Forgiving.
All of the feelings.
For standing still.
For moving on.
This thank is long overdue, and I am deeply sorry about that. It has taken me far too long to write the words. On June 26, 2020, my life changed. But not only my life, many others, as well. And not just friends and family- I can only imagine those who were there working, too. The first responders, the police.
Joe Beckley, my husband, took his own life that day. There is no easy way to say that what you must have seen is something no one should ever have to see. I am so sorry about that. Joe was in no state of mind to think of the aftermath of his decision; he was not himself and would never have wanted to put anyone through what he did that day, otherwise. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive him.
I don’t know who was there, and I probably should, but I thank you just the same. I hope this does not come too late, but I’ve always believed it’s never too late to show gratitude and say I’m sorry. To the volunteer firefighters, the police, the sheriff’s department, the ambulance service, the deputy coroner, and for anyone else that I’ve missed, thank you, and I am so sorry for what you had to experience.
Many blessings to you.
Suicide- from my experience, my perspective- is not as many believe; selfish. It’s a final attempt to end the pain, stop the suffering, and to set yourself and your loved ones free; selfless.
But it doesn’t stop “our” pain; like a wildfire out of control, it ignites new torment—agony, regret, and questions that will never be answered—more suffering—new pain.
Suicide is NOT the answer.
And then I ask… who are “we” to ask another to suffer on our behalf?
Who’s pain matters?
Who is being selfish?
Who is being selfless?
“I just want the pain to stop.”Joe Beckley
Maybe… just maybe when we stop abusing each other, and ourselves, when we start living with more compassion and love— dealing with our own pain bodies—when we stop projecting our fears and hurts onto others… maybe then the pain will truly stop.
xo and peace.