I’m sitting here on the deck with a fire in the fireball and the birds singing to me. It’s still pretty dark and candles are lit. When I opened my eyes this morning and saw it was so early, my first thought was: get up and go build a fire. I almost talked myself out of it and then remembered… “Nope, you’re paying attention now.” When I get a hit to do something, I’m doing it.
Since daylight savings has kept the evening hours in complete daylight so late into the night, Joe and I had started enjoying a fire and candlelight on our deck in the mornings instead. We were going to bed in the daylight and getting up in the dark so it made perfect sense to us- and we always got to enjoy the Birdsong and quiet in those early hours.
I got up turned on the water for coffee and walked outside. Just as I stepped onto the deck Joe’s windchimes made the gentlest of movements. Just enough sound to catch my attention. It was still dark and behind the wind chimes, I saw a large cloud of white moving past. It scared the shit out of me (my stomach did a little something, something) and my immediate thought was WTF- what is going on?
Once I adjusted my eyes to the dark I realized it was coming from the fireball. Amanda had burned our paper trash (how we do it here- no shredder) yesterday and Liam had built a fire a day or two before. There was a piece of wood leftover that had caught fire through the night; the smoke was still billowing and hot coals were glowing. Just the way Joe always told me: “You’ve got to have a bed of hot coals for a good fire.”
So here I sit. I got up this morning and, just as my intuition had instructed me too, walked onto the deck to build a fire. Little did I realize it was already burning, I just needed to add some wood and stoke it a little. Another gift.
The other day I asked for an absolute sign that Joe is still with me. Something that would leave no question- unmistakable. (I haven’t felt his presence since he left.) And though I know everything that happened this morning (the wind chimes, the rolling smoke- which by the way I never smelled- the hot coals) can all be explained (I just did explain it, after all), I can still see the magic in all of it.
This morning I am tempted to go turn on the speaker and play Nathaniel- Joe’s most recent favorite artist/band – and how I’ve been starting my mornings since he left. But I’ve decided I only want to hear the birds, the crackling of the fire, and the silence. (There is however a mouse inside the deck trashcan causing some commotion – Amanda will deal with that when she gets up!) Nathaniel will wait. I think I’ll take a walk back to Joe’s park and watch the sunrise from there. I know he’s here with me.
It’s going to be a great day. My niece is coming to spend the night with me and the house will once again be filled with love, laughter, friends, and family- the way it’s been since June 26- just (already?) three weeks ago today. I am so grateful for all of the gifts and the little reminders everywhere. Presence (presents). We’ve been sharing stories that didn’t seem to mean so much, but they all matter now.
I will keep looking for the magic because I believe in it- I always have. And I know- I’ve been watching- that an Eagle will one day fly overhead, and then I’ll know, for sure.